“But you need someone to make the final decision in case of a disagreement, right?” Do we? I have heard this argument to justify hierarchy in marriage. Obviously, the man is the one with the higher authority and “final say.” If two people cannot come to a shared agreement on an issue, one of the two (the one with the male form) should make the final decision.
Other than disagreeing that one’s genitals endows someone with a special ability to make better decisions, I do not think it is necessary nor the sign of a fruitful and Christ-centered marriage. What do I mean by that? I believe that if two people are walking with Christ in the Spirit, they will be united. A disagreement does not mean that one person should decide for the couple. Instead, it means more work is needed to align themselves with God’s will. Is this easy? No. But I believe this is what is best for the union and that it is based on sound biblical doctrine.
One of the first verses in the Bible addressing a marital relationship, although it does not use the term marriage, is Genesis 2:23-24:
“The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
The two become one flesh (Mt 19:5). This one-flesh union speaks to the unity of the two people. The first woman was formed from the first human’s side; she was taking out from Adam; they are of the same flesh and bones. When God brought the two he had separated together, their unity was reinstated. It was not good for the man to be alone, and so God provided for another of his own flesh and bones he could be united with to alleviate his loneliness. Togetherness and unity is the goal of marriage, and it is brought about by God. God is the only one that can unite what was separated into one flesh.
This unity should be reflected in the couple’s life. Are two people united if there is division in their wills? When one desires something separate from the other? Or how can we say that the two are walking with Christ together if they are going in different directions? God is the one that creates unity between the man and the woman. But, if they are not united, I cannot fault God, but rather wonder whether one or both are not following or listening to God.
If unity is not achieved, should they then abandon all and make one person decide instead of both together? Should they not rather seek the unity given by the Spirit in prayer, meditation, and fasting?
However, some say that Ephesians 5 gives this role of authority and final decision-making responsibility to the husband and that this is good for the marriage because God prescribes it. Yet, I do not find anything in the instructions to the husband that give him an ounce of authority over his wife. Instead, it says that a husband ought to love his wife as Christ loves the Church and gave himself up for her (Ep 5:25). This is not to assume authority over her but to place her above himself. Likewise, a husband ought to love his wives as his own body because “He who loves his wife loves himself” (Ep 5:28). The two are indistinguishable; she is his body, she is a part of him.
It is the wife that is told:
“For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.”
Ephesians 5:23
This is a head-body metaphor denoting unity. Paul is talking about how the body, the Church, is united into one flesh with the head that is Christ, as Paul explains shortly after.
“After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the Church— for we are members of his body. ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the Church.”
Ephesians 5:29-32
The Church is the body of Christ that He cares for, even laying down His life for his body, the Church. We are one flesh with Christ, united with Him, and indwelled by his Spirit (1 Jn 3:24; 4:13). Unity and living out in love of one another is what this passage is about. There is no talk of anyone having authority over another unless one simply assumes that “head” means authority in Greek, as it does in English and many other languages. The context itself does not lead one to think that “head” implies authority. Instead, this head/body metaphor speaks to the unity between a wife and a husband, and between Christ and the Church. It speaks to how we should care for the other as we care for ourselves. If I care for my husband, I will not assume authority over him. Instead, I will love him as myself (Mk 12:31) and value him above myself (Phil 2:3). The same is asked of my husband (Ep 5:25,28).
Some will continue saying that if a husband loves his wife as Christ loves the Church, the wife will have no issue submitting to him. And I agree. Paul says we are all to submit to one another out of respect for Christ, who humbly submitted to death on a cross for us (Ep 5:21; Phil 2:5-8). Wives are called to submit to their own husbands in the Lord (Ep 5:22).
What I don’t see in scripture is where the husband is told to make the final decision. If the husband does make the final decision but loves his wife as himself and gives his life up for her, he will put her desires above his own and decide to do what his wife thinks is best. This nullifies the whole idea of the husband making the final decision, as he will naturally lovingly submit to what his wife desires. And so they will agree as to what is the best thing to do, what the women wanted all along.
For example, if the husband wants to move to a different city for a job, but the wife has said this would make her miserable, the husband having the final say and loving his wife as Christ loved the Church will give up his selfish ambition and value his wife’s wellbeing above his own, refusing the job to please his wife (1 Co 7:33).
I think this leaves out the possibility that Christ will work in the hearts of one or both of them so that they may be truly united and work out how to move forward in unity. It leaves out the hard work of seeking out together the will of God. I rather live in a marriage in which we are united than to have one or the another abdicate oneself dishearteningly.
Male authority in marriage is not necessary if we live in unity. It makes no sense if the husband loves his wife to view himself as above her in authority. Christ himself did not use his authority over us for his own gain; rather, He put it aside to give his life for us, taking on the very nature of a slave. Should husbands not be like Christ? I believe they should.
